Ladies and Gentlemen, do we have some exciting news on the Zombie Frontlines... Abraham Lincoln has joined our cause! It's funny what enough money and a little necromancy can do! Yes, after 150 years, Mr. Lincoln is once again ready to be among the living. Unfortunately, the process wasn't completely smooth. Imagine, after all this time, being the only person who didn't know who killed Abraham Lincoln. He was upset to say the least, and has an understandable beef with actors now. He said vengeance would be his, and I who am I to get in his way? In fact, that's the kind of sentiment we love here at ZOA. And we're hoping he can continue this enthusiasm into next year... We were going to wait and make a special announcement, but I cannot contain my excitement: Mr. Abraham Lincoln is throwing his proverbial top hat into the presidential race! Yes, Ladies and Gentlemen, Zombraham Lincoln* is making another bid at the presidency. We feel he should have the right to finish out his second term, but, to be fair, he will be running again in 2012, under the Green Party (we're changing the meaning of that... And if anyone has a problem with it, well, we have the means of making them truly "green"). THESE are exciting times. Stay tuned for updates!
*He didn't really like the previous nickname of "Slaybraham." He felt it was dishonest... He doesn't "slay." And we know, can't have a "Dishonest Abe." We're not here to rewrite history, we're here to eat it.
What's the first thing you notice about this Zombie movement? That's right, the lack of steaming hot zombie women folk. That is, until now. Let me introduce the first woman of the ZOA. Some might say, "How could you do that to your own wife?" I say, "How could I not?!" Yes, Ladies and Gentlemen, Corie has joined the ranks of the ZOA, and watch out, because her work is not done! She has already gotten off to a screaming start! In fact, I can still hear those screams! And, subsequently, those screams turning into glorious, monotonous zombie groans! She may look sweet and innocent, but she has a vicious bite! You think she colors her lips with Maybelinne, but I think it May-be-a-spleen!
We at the Zombification of America would like to welcome our newest Zomrade: Pau Gasol of the LA Lakers! Now, I know some of you are thinking, "Wait a minute! He's a Spaniard!" Well, sometimes, we at ZOA take a more stealthy approach. We figure that our Zomrades will make a NEW America, with a literal melting pot of citizens. We figure that "Zodar" (zombie radar) can be compared to "Gaydar." Europeans always throw us off! And if the public can easily accept that a 7-foot Spaniard has been a Zombie from the beginning, it will make our goal at ZOA that much more attainable. We realize that, at first, zombies can indeed be frightening, so we are taking extreme measures to ensure the transition is as quiet as a zombie's first groan.
I recently joined a group called "The Zombification of America." The title is pretty self explanatory, but we think it's a good cause. It's the actual, physical "Change" of America's backbone: it's population. Our primary focus is to "convince" everyone of our political ideologies, and we figure what better place to start than at the top. We hope that Zombama will bring his supporters over to us on huge platters, in order to constitute ourselves with his constituency. In addition to changing the future of America, we've also started a grassroots movement to bring our nation back to its roots... or rather, its roots back to America. We've been developing methods to bring back our forefathers... in a literal sense. We realize that we are mixing the different type of Zombies, but we feel it is important to show our founding fathers their creation in its current form. Maybe they could balance the budget or, more importantly, truly help America go "green." Also, it would be just plain cool to sit down with George A. Romero Washington, Slaybraham Lincoln and John F. Kennedead in the same room. Anyway, we hope you will consider joining us. If you do oppose our views, we ask only that you eat a lot of carbs, and avoid hitting us in the head.
Who is this good looking fellow? I'm glad you asked. This, my friend, is what we call in the Zombie community, my "Poppa-mbie." A little silly? Perhaps, but it doesn't make it any less true. Yes, I truly was his "Greeny" (pun intended). He showed me the roped to true Zombism, and how to effectively "un-live," if you will. How to grunt and not sound too goofy. How to walk with a menacing limp. And, most importantly, what parts to grab when group feasting. He truly was inspirational. And the sense of humor on this man, would knock you undead. What was his favorite joke....? Oh, yes: What is a zom-- BRAINS!!! Hahahaha! The wit! Unfortunately, he met a brutal end when he ran into that school bus full of baseball players.... Even an amateur knows a baseball bat means imminent death... Rest in Pieces my friend.
I've been on a bit of a Zombie kick lately... And, honestly, who hassn't? So, I decided to see what would happen if I were to suddenly die and then un-die. The result, (if I have documented correctly, which I absolutely
*Note: for those of you who care, this was done on a natural sketchbook, using ink and colored pencil, with some photoshop touch-uppery. I took picture of it, and sent it to my email, so unfortunately, the size and quality are a bit suspect.
**Note #2: The title of the post is actually more clever if you put the stress in the right place: JER-om-bie. I know it's more natural to think it would be jer-OM-bie, but in so doing, you would be wrong. So wrong.